Day eleven ... 3:15 Experiment

Sleeping finally, but then awake. I thought I turned it off (the alarm), seems I have something to say.

Anger, but not riled up. I woke up this way.

Is it the bump on the head?

If fear provokes anger, what provoked this?

What is the fear that I face?

My son's independence, he was my target.

Making his own decisions now, whether in agreement or not. I raised him to support his own convictions ... to be his own person ... to question authority, even when the authority is me and especially when I am wrong.

I am wrong.

I will apologize in the morning.

3:32 (cranky)

ah yes ...

There is nothing wrong with things going right. It really is amazing what can happen. I pledged to a number of things a number of years ago ... and I pledged hard and true.

I had wanted change before.

I needed change then.

I pledged to stop living in my past.
I pledged to stop living vicariously through my higher self.
I pledged to step up and be the woman that I was born to be.
That woman is a healer, that woman is a witch, that woman is intuitive, sensitive and compassionate, that woman is a visionary, that woman is a delicate creature with a vivid soul and a vital nature.
I pledged to not let another person decide what I wasn't.
I pledged to erase the lines of cruelty.
I pledged to end NAGative thinking, being, doing, saying.
I pledged that I would never be treated badly. (Thank you Daddy, I needed that talk with you in the kitchen that night).
I pledged to face my challenges.
I pledged to face my fears.
I pledged to enhance and increase my vulnerabilities.

I had no idea what this (and more) would mean.

Today it means everything.

I love.
I grow.
I heal.
I change.
I help.
I learn.
I teach.

It has been a day.

I have inhaled it, as a response.

This is a "pages wide open" journal entry.

Dedicated to ME.

I am so glad that I got tired of the old ways.

Day four ... 3:15 Experiment

to know what you want
and to be told to wait
is like being a race horse
tied to a gate

Missed the clock ...

sleep is so good.

Well ... Day two - 3:15 Experiment

There you are again, slipping into a viewing view. Your "ways" that you are showing me are most lovingly exposing you. You are showing me the portal to your soul, often in a dream and just as often, if not more often now in the waking world, during the moments when your integrity steams.

Why a poem, that is so hard to follow? I don't know.

This is not a poem. If it is, it is a really bad one.

I am off the pages and onto the sheets, even with these pages that are huge.

Dozing on and off.

Too tired for tomorrow that isn't even here.

You are a beautiful man ... loved for your beauty.

Whether the waking walk or in my dreams, you are showing up. Goddess knows I appreciate that. Please know that I appreciate you.

3:37

My God ... you are beautiful.

Day One ... 3:15 Experiment

First Post ... barely readable ...

What if we were always at the beginning of everything and at the end of nothing?

Stuck in a perpetual creation cycle.
Held to the momentum of a constant new beginning.
Living in an endless Spring.
Suspended in a constant burst of inspiration.
Always moving on the rise of a wave.
Continuously poised for the deep inhale.
Our bodies frozen in the first big step.
Arms wide open for a hug that never connects.

Why do many of us live that way, stuck in what we see as the best of all things. The best of all things being the beginning. How many times have you heard someone say "but it was so good in the beginning" ... or "I wish it was like it used to be". Worst yet ... "I need to hold on" ... "wait".

Being stuck in a beginning sounds ridiculous when it is set up that way, yet avoiding change, avoiding truth, avoiding reality is in effect like avoiding your world. It is like giving the directions to the greatest good "stop the world and let me off".

To get "unstuck" means to accept change.

What is the purpose in prolonging an end? It is a natural flow of beginning, middle and then comes that wonderful end. The wonderful end front loads the next great beginning.

The possible set up for the first 3:15 Experiment entry ...

I had a dream last night that I kept handing a man a baby. The baby was adorable. Each time I would hand the man the baby, the man would place the baby under a bed. I would come back into the room, get the baby out from under the bed, love the baby up and hand the baby to the man. The man would place the baby back under the bed again. This continued on a number of times. The baby was growing smaller and was not happy. I finally left the bedroom with the baby, telling the man "why would you want a baby to grow up like this, placing its potential on hold like that?".

This is where the idea for the 3:15 post surely came in.

New beginnings are wonderful.
They cannot be stalled however. We cannot postpone their fullness.

Would the peach stay perfect on the branch?

We must allow the growth of new beginnings.

We must also trust and allow endings.

A beginning comes to a natural end. An ending comes to the next natural beginning.

August 1 ... my first rambling entry for the 3:15 experiment. I'm IN ... heading towards wild creative flow from a partially loaded, sleepy mind.

I will face the direction of the east today ... the direction of new beginnings and I will state my gratitude for my last ending there.

ok ...

2010 ... 7 months into it ... has been the best year of my life. I pledged to so many things and I have seen so many things come my way, so many more than I called for. I had almost forgotten about this blog. A number of friends are moving their blogs over to another site and this sparked my interest in blogging again. This past week I spent a late night reading my blog from beginning to previous entry of "Roe vs Wade".

I have loved this blog and this blog has loved me.

I have gone back and forth with the idea of a newsletter as I have grown. I just don't resonate with a newsletter, yet. I keep coming back to this blog as it feels like home to me and for me.

I am coming up on the annual celebration of Gayle's life, it's that time of the year and I am called to celebrate part of it here, with loyalty and continued devotion and my never ending ... only growing love for her. (Jamie ... I love you and I always will, when you read this know this).

I am so grateful. Here come the tears.

I am going to open the pages of this public journal again.

I am going to open myself to this exposed form of healing.

Roe vs Wade ...

Ah ... the social DIS-EASE of ABORTION ...

Abortion is a medical procedure. The depth of illness prior to the necessity of this medical procedure and the healing needed after the anesthesia wears off is of my concern. This forms from my passions and my loving service to see people empowered, capable and responsible.

I do feel that abortion for birth control is wrong. These women should be made to feel ... made to feel what? Clearly they do not feel at this point. This is another DIS-EASE OF SOCIETY. Abortion is the medical procedure to cure that DIS-EASE too. Again this is about the depth of illness prior to and after the procedure itself.

HERE IS MY SOAP BOX ... THE GIRLS and boys for that matter.

I do know that there are far too many young women a.k.a. GIRLS out there who are taking a brutal beating from the opinionated conservative masses. This beating is based on ignorance (as most beatings are) of far too many opinion makers. These opinion makers, don't have a clue or a care of what that individual's decision making requirements were, but they are judging, condemning and casting negativity upon them. If they cared they would look at and focus on the DIS-EASES of SOCIETY first.

This mass opinion of a conventional and oppressive main stream ... casting DOWN on one GIRL at a time (it is one female at a time that is broken down by this) is ruthless and wrong.

Yes, these GIRLS may have made poor choices to find a concept of love, LOVE ... that turned into an unwanted pregnancy. These GIRLS were not finding even a CONCEPT of love in their families, from their parents ... while having no guidance or support or clearly they would not have created the force that potentially ruins their future. When this choice is made in a moment of conflict ... sex for love ... or love for sex ... yes for these girls it is the contrast of wrong for right or right for wrong ... and in that moment, in that desire "THEIR FUTURE" is not in the mix. The sex for love is a topical balm for the deep healing that they need.

NOTHING calls on my warrior posture in such a way as to see the Prayer Righteous Protestor's standing outside of our local abortion clinic every Wednesday morning rain or shine, casting silent judgment on any and all who cross their picket line. I have stopped to talk to them and face to face they have no power, they rarely even have a voice. It is by the group measure that they project shame. I have never seen just one of them. Well, it is just one GIRL making that decision to lay on that cold table to eliminate the SOCIAL DIS-EASE that she has created. Remember that she did not create it alone ... the young man was there and her parents were there too, the residue of her parents lack of love that is.

I have asked those Prayer Righteous Protester's if they frequent the anti-war demonstration. WAR being another SOCIAL DIS-EASE. I have NEVER heard one of them say "oh yes ... I was there yesterday, last week or last month". You don't see war protester's out every Wednesday. What is their true value for human life if they are not equally concerned about a young soldier?

The energy wasted on the subject of ABORTION ... would be of better use focused on a child ... prior to their infection of any SOCIAL DIS-EASE.

Babies making babies ... that is my concern.

The Devil ...

If we accept the concept that we are all creators of our own personal world, then the character we call the "devil" is more realistically a project of our own minds. This poor devil has been accused of many misfortunes. Any negative action that occurs in the world today is often laid at his doorstep. Isn't it time we stepped forth and repudiated this blame for the ills of society? We must take our rightful place in the scheme of things and the responsibility that goes with it. No one wants to be the bad guy each is quick to point his finger at others for the problems that abound. Let's be accountable to ourselves and others. Let's create a positive concept and offer better solution to our troubles. We can then lay to rest the illusion of the devil, and we may find we really didn't need him anyway.

Borrowed from Creative Thoughts for Inner Peace by William H. Thompson

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wide awake early from a bump in the night
not frightened or worried, aware with insight
a call to awaken in the early morning hours
to access the focus of Spirit's great powers

these Powers are subtle when given by Source
never to be thrown around or scattered with force
rare when they are needed but important when I do
stir up some magik and cast its work through

through holes in the darkness or blocks in the light
through concepts of righteousness for the freedom of rights
when called to awakening when upright or down
I get up and cast the circle and place my feet on the ground

the sounds that I heard were not scary, they were sweet
they moved me to get up and stand on my feet
to create this day’s destiny before the morning Sun
to be present with gratitude that the Creator and I are one

we are one in the love that we both hold so true
the love that is calling to each one of you
the love that is waiting to purify this Earth
the love that is hoping that you will recognize your worth

wide awake early from a bump in the dark
surrounded in smoke from Red Willow‘s bark
the wish that was cast between the Creator and me
is that you will wake up and stand with Great Spirit and me

in the early morning hours of 123 (December 3, 2009)

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