from 9 years ago ...

this is a night

reeling in the effects of core blasting confusion, frustration
more than need be taken on by my gentle soul,
what is the cause of this? you know, don't you
divine external structure
places music in my ear
ah, listening to the delight of a primal bass groove
it is she - the me, the only offer for my immediate gratification

this is a night

listening loud
I can't hear my mind scattering endless nonsense
my soul cries
as a fierce storm rolls off of the desert
my heart. that love, passion
is a note away, away. always away

this is a night

listening loud
it gives my body an expression
matching the movements that
I would love to place on someone

this is a night
one that causes angels to watch closely to see what humans do

this is a night
one that causes angels to watch closely to see what falls out of abandon

this is a night
one that causes angels to watch closely to see what humans create

this is a night
one that I would capture a soul like you
and I would stretch you to comply with my desires

Written on a hot night at summers end 2001

The Essence of My Rich Soul

I’ve help birth the sweetest of babies
I’ve sliced open the assassin’s throat
I’ve hung on the edge of crumbling buildings
I’ve seen the strangest things just float

I’ve raged inside as my tribe died
to circle in later to scalp more than a few
I’ve kissed a hundred men and women
I've needed moisture from the morning dew

I’ve witness senseless, brutal killings
I’ve seen entire villages set free
I’ve done all of this just watching
as my dreams come play with me

In the silence of my slumber
In the early morning light
I seen the darkest entities wonder
why I never seem to fright

I’ve run high above in the Moon light
and then been pulled to the Earth’s soft core
I’ve been called by God to enter
I’ve been pressed at Satan’s door

I’ve never stalled my dreams with boundaries
for these trips I would pay a great toll
for in my dreams I am experiencing
the depth and essence of my rich soul

(C) Laurel Lyons – Oneironaut
Inspired by the Lucid Dream Workshop
February 25, 2010

(Written with love, protected by Karma)

3:15 ... 3:16 ... 3:43 ... lost in time, so be it

Just that quickly the month is half over and I thank Goddess that I live by the sun and moon cycles and not the clock or the calendar. Yes, I do schedule by man's made organizers and reluctantly I do so. By New Moon I am only a week into it.

For the rambling, non-sense of this it was a strange week. I hit the ground running a week ago today (Sunday) and stalled in a vivid reality of aimless emotions by evening of the same day. I was glad that I saw that my emotions had no real direction and I adjusted accordingly.

I needed rest on Monday and got it, took it I should say.

I hit the ground running on Tuesday, even when a mild concussion smacked me good and hard, that didn't force its wicked ways on me until night time slumber sat in and I just continued to pause from there. OK it forced its ways on me, hard headed as I am. I just didn't go down to it, even with an ugly knot on my head and an irritating ringing in my ears (I hear "messages" and I just didn't hear this one).

Pause ... surrender ... cease ... hindsight.

Cease ... surrender ... pause ... full sight.

The concussion was like a concentrated mercury in retrograde kind of an ordeal for me. I was confused, disoriented, diminished (to a former self), emotional and exhausted. If I reached or it, it fell out of my hands. If I walked towards it I forgot why. If I figured it out, it changed its figures. I resorted to old ways (angst, frustration, overwhelm) that I thought were long gone from my softer, sweeter approach to life.

The brain - research on Friday informed me that the bump on the head, causing the concussion created the chemical flow of fear hormones in my body. That fear projected me to (and as I write the word projected I hear protected in my mind) the emotions that surround fear. The emotions that come from the brain injury, and its confusion and disorientation run wild in a wounded mind. The wounded mind cannot say stop until it is healed.

Am I healed?

But wait ...

So many people walk around like they are experiencing the after effects of a head injury. We see them all of the time, as they react from the fear in their bodies with extreme emotions, confused states of being from a wild, wounded mind.

Is it from the wild, wounded mind or is it the basic wounded heart? There are possible more wounded hearts out there.

Minor head injury.
Minor heart injury.

Source/Spirit has been working on me for the last two months, showing me the need to energetically work on the healing of the human from the over load of life long chemistry saturation. From the "nudge" of Source, I see it clearly in the beautiful, sensitive humans that come my way. I believe that my concussion was a great pivot point for me to see, a fresh ... refreshed view of the human chemistry system. After all, chemistry is energy ... energy runs in the body ... energy healing helps heal the body.

How did I heal myself from the concussion, and the greater need for healing of the chemistry of fear? I loved myself enough to nurture myself back to fearless.

Fearless.

Fear less.

Day twelve ... 3:15 Experiment

She is coming to me early, helping me sort things out once again.

In a dream I had been processing release, how to release and still hold on, but more than that, how to serve the highest good while honoring myself. Gayle came into the dream, walking around a corner into the room where I was standing. She looked great. Gayle asked me "didn't you learn enough from me?" She continued on to say "didn't you learn enough about unconditional love and the quality of detachment from outcome. Come on Laurel, remember". I started to cry in the dream and Gayle placed her arm around me and said "it's all going to be alright. Hasn't everything turned out alright?" Gayle then said "let's sit on your deck for awhile".

I woke up crying, to the alarm at 3:15 and I cringed. All that I could think about was letting go and how much it sucks to let go when you think that you don't want to.

Ah yes, surrender.
Ah yes, release.

"Don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright". Bob Marley was in my room for a minute.

I remembered Maccan Harshaw, a wonderful woman that I encountered years ago. I could hear her southern drawl tell me "remember, some believe that the greatest strength comes from holding on. Others know that the greater strength comes from letting go."

Gayle and Maccan, such incredible women, teaching me.

I asked myself what I had to write about when it all seemed so clear.

Day eleven ... 3:15 Experiment

Sleeping finally, but then awake. I thought I turned it off (the alarm), seems I have something to say.

Anger, but not riled up. I woke up this way.

Is it the bump on the head?

If fear provokes anger, what provoked this?

What is the fear that I face?

My son's independence, he was my target.

Making his own decisions now, whether in agreement or not. I raised him to support his own convictions ... to be his own person ... to question authority, even when the authority is me and especially when I am wrong.

I am wrong.

I will apologize in the morning.

3:32 (cranky)

ah yes ...

There is nothing wrong with things going right. It really is amazing what can happen. I pledged to a number of things a number of years ago ... and I pledged hard and true.

I had wanted change before.

I needed change then.

I pledged to stop living in my past.
I pledged to stop living vicariously through my higher self.
I pledged to step up and be the woman that I was born to be.
That woman is a healer, that woman is a witch, that woman is intuitive, sensitive and compassionate, that woman is a visionary, that woman is a delicate creature with a vivid soul and a vital nature.
I pledged to not let another person decide what I wasn't.
I pledged to erase the lines of cruelty.
I pledged to end NAGative thinking, being, doing, saying.
I pledged that I would never be treated badly. (Thank you Daddy, I needed that talk with you in the kitchen that night).
I pledged to face my challenges.
I pledged to face my fears.
I pledged to enhance and increase my vulnerabilities.

I had no idea what this (and more) would mean.

Today it means everything.

I love.
I grow.
I heal.
I change.
I help.
I learn.
I teach.

It has been a day.

I have inhaled it, as a response.

This is a "pages wide open" journal entry.

Dedicated to ME.

I am so glad that I got tired of the old ways.

Day four ... 3:15 Experiment

to know what you want
and to be told to wait
is like being a race horse
tied to a gate

Missed the clock ...

sleep is so good.

Well ... Day two - 3:15 Experiment

There you are again, slipping into a viewing view. Your "ways" that you are showing me are most lovingly exposing you. You are showing me the portal to your soul, often in a dream and just as often, if not more often now in the waking world, during the moments when your integrity steams.

Why a poem, that is so hard to follow? I don't know.

This is not a poem. If it is, it is a really bad one.

I am off the pages and onto the sheets, even with these pages that are huge.

Dozing on and off.

Too tired for tomorrow that isn't even here.

You are a beautiful man ... loved for your beauty.

Whether the waking walk or in my dreams, you are showing up. Goddess knows I appreciate that. Please know that I appreciate you.

3:37

My God ... you are beautiful.

Day One ... 3:15 Experiment

First Post ... barely readable ...

What if we were always at the beginning of everything and at the end of nothing?

Stuck in a perpetual creation cycle.
Held to the momentum of a constant new beginning.
Living in an endless Spring.
Suspended in a constant burst of inspiration.
Always moving on the rise of a wave.
Continuously poised for the deep inhale.
Our bodies frozen in the first big step.
Arms wide open for a hug that never connects.

Why do many of us live that way, stuck in what we see as the best of all things. The best of all things being the beginning. How many times have you heard someone say "but it was so good in the beginning" ... or "I wish it was like it used to be". Worst yet ... "I need to hold on" ... "wait".

Being stuck in a beginning sounds ridiculous when it is set up that way, yet avoiding change, avoiding truth, avoiding reality is in effect like avoiding your world. It is like giving the directions to the greatest good "stop the world and let me off".

To get "unstuck" means to accept change.

What is the purpose in prolonging an end? It is a natural flow of beginning, middle and then comes that wonderful end. The wonderful end front loads the next great beginning.

The possible set up for the first 3:15 Experiment entry ...

I had a dream last night that I kept handing a man a baby. The baby was adorable. Each time I would hand the man the baby, the man would place the baby under a bed. I would come back into the room, get the baby out from under the bed, love the baby up and hand the baby to the man. The man would place the baby back under the bed again. This continued on a number of times. The baby was growing smaller and was not happy. I finally left the bedroom with the baby, telling the man "why would you want a baby to grow up like this, placing its potential on hold like that?".

This is where the idea for the 3:15 post surely came in.

New beginnings are wonderful.
They cannot be stalled however. We cannot postpone their fullness.

Would the peach stay perfect on the branch?

We must allow the growth of new beginnings.

We must also trust and allow endings.

A beginning comes to a natural end. An ending comes to the next natural beginning.

August 1 ... my first rambling entry for the 3:15 experiment. I'm IN ... heading towards wild creative flow from a partially loaded, sleepy mind.

I will face the direction of the east today ... the direction of new beginnings and I will state my gratitude for my last ending there.